Love, The Anxious Girl

Do you ever have that feeling..
You know, the one where you feel like your skin is crawling and your heart is racing and the only way you can release it is through screaming your lungs our or writing it down in hopes someone doesn’t think you’re crazy?
That feeling where you feel like you’re the only one in the world who has ever felt this way, but in reality you know you’re not alone, no matter how it feels.
The feeling you get where your heart is racing and you feel scared, nervous, and sad all at the same time for so many reasons you can’t explain?
That is how I feel today… Right now.
It’s me.

On the way home from an awesome dinner with awesome people my husband and I threw on some old rap and sang the whole way home and the whole time I kept thinking was “Eminem says everything I want to say…” or “He has felt the way I feel but he will never know that I feel the same he has in this exact moment.”
It’s a crazy thing, to think you’re alone in your thoughts when in reality you’re one in a million.
It’s a crazy thing to think your mind is insane and wonder why someone could love you as much as they do.

For instance, I have this thing with numbers.
If the number of the volume is on an even number it totally bothers me until it’s fixed.
I have no idea.
But it’s always been that way.
“Turn it up or turn it down.. pick a side or get out”
Why does this take over my body and make me feel like 44 is worse that 45?
Why does it feel like I can’t handle myself if I can’t KNOW for a fact the volume is where it needs to be?

Why do I need to know that the sock pair is the same, even though I don’t wear matching socks, I need to know that Slytherin has a pair, even though I am not wearing both socks at the same time?

How does my husband feel?
Does he think he has married a lunatic?
How does he deal with the fact that he knows his own wife needs the volume on an odd number?
How does he deal with the fact that if she can’t find the shirt she is looking for at 10:30 PM that she will look and turn the house upside down until she finds it?
How does he feel knowing that his wife, the most nervous person in the world, looks out for others more than she does herself and puts herself on the back burner, even though he knows she needs to just sit on the couch and cry for 5 minutes to make herself feel better.

How does he handle me, plus his day to day life?

It’s a hard thing to accept, anxiety, but if you find someone who will let you search for that missing shirt for a hour it’s so worth it.

I have always thought no one will ever accept the person I am.
How can you love someone who freaks out over a missing shirt that someone gave her 3 years ago and thinks she has to have it RIGHT NOW?!
How can you accept someone who comes home, sits on the couch and cries because she feels like she “just can’t handle herself”?
How do you handle that?
How do you love me and how do we work?
How can I go about my life thinking that I am nothing but something to make your life just a little bit harder?

It’s a challenge to love someone who feels like I do.
Someone who can’t function if the TV is on an odd number, someone who HAS to know where that shirt is, someone who sometimes feels like they’re ruining your life for being the person who loves you the most, but is also the most difficult person in your life.

But you do it.
But you help me.
But you accept me for me and let me be my anxious, wild woman, loving woman self that I am.
I may not know what to do with myself from day to day but as God as my witness I will love my husband, my family, my friends as much as I can and as hard as I can.
You may not understand me – heck, I may not understand myself – but I love you and that’s what I know I can do best.

Accept me.
Accept the fact that I will come home and cry for no reason.
Accept the fact that I don’t think anxiety medicine helps me (even though we all know it probably will).
Accept the fact that I think I am tough enough to go through this life with this issue but want to do it on my own, but also knowing from time to time I will need you to hold me when I feel like I can’t take another step forward without losing my mind.

Yes-  I have tried it all.
Therapy, medicine, long hardcore talks about my life and why I am this way.
Let me do it on my terms and accept the fact that I think I can do it on my own, but know that some days I need you to put all my pieces back together over the simplest things.

I love more than I should and I hurt more than I should as well, but I try to do my best with each breath I take and hope it works for the life we are leading together.

Of course I lie.
“Yes, I am fine”
“No, I feel normal”
“I can do this on my own”
I don’t want to admit I feel this way and we both know that – but thank you for letting my try to get through it before intervening.

I love my life and I love where I am… but yes, sometimes I need a little extra umph than the average person, and that’s okay.

Thank you for learning, overcoming, and the patience you have acquired though all of this an thank you for doing in for the years to come.
What would I do without you?

Sometimes all you need is someone in your corner, ready to tap in and be there when you can’t… and I can honestly say I have those people in my life to take over when all I see is the hollow tunnel I feel like I am going down.

I do not say it enough – but I am blessed for the people in my life that know what I deal with and help me along the way.

I honestly wouldn’t be here without you.

Be Brave.
Be Kind.
Be Strong.

There is a light at the end of that tunnel and it’s waiting for you to shine – even when you think you can’t.



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